How to Avoid a Perimenopausal Breakdown When Your Kid Heads Off to College

There’s nothing that makes the passing of time more painfully obvious than having children. One day I’m carefully picking out the fabric for the pillows in my daughter’s crib (back when we actually put pillows in cribs – horrifying!), and seemingly the next I unearth these pillows in her closet while packing her up for college. 
This summer has been a march to this past Saturday – the day we left the pillows behind and loaded the car for move-in day. We’ve spent months choosing the perfect bedding, brainstorming storage solutions, and building up a stockpile of essentials like bandaids, extra tampons, and the Cocofloss that we both love — all while chatting through her fears about moving away from home, sharing a room for the first time, eating in a dining hall, and her excitement about new friends, new classes, and a new declared major. 

Faded cream and pink pillows from my daughter’s crib, now resting on her bed for a bit of babyhood nostalgia when she comes home for the holidays.

Meanwhile, in quiet moments when I was alone – single mom alone – I was enveloped by a thick soup of emotions: reminiscing about my own college experience, happiness and anxiety for my daughter, waves of babyhood nostalgia, and, yes, a wall of anticipatory sadness. Add in a couple of other ingredients – the hormonal peaks and valleys of perimenopause, building an e-commerce site for Phosis, and a heaping helping of long-distance caretaking duties for my 84-year-old mom, there are moments when my nervous system was so fried I had to retreat to the silence of my bedroom for an hour or so before I could face conversation – let alone anything on my to-do list. 

Another artifact from my daughter's closet excavation: A sweet spiral notebook we used to leave on each other's pillows at night "to share secrets." 

When the time came this past Saturday, we kept the tone cheerful as we moved her carefully packed boxes into her dorm room, met her new roommate, and enjoyed dinner as a family. Saying goodbye was hard, the drive home was harder, and I’d be lying if I told you I hadn’t shed a couple of tears into my tea this week. But mostly I’m grateful for the closeness my smart, empathetic, ambitious, creative daughter and I have cultivated over the years – a closeness that means I’m getting frequent text updates and Facetimes to soothe my nerves as she settles in. (Thank goodness!)

Packed and ready to go for the adventure that awaits.

Just in case you’re going through the same thing this back-to-school season, I thought I’d share some strategies that have helped me remain present during this transition, move through sadness or anxiety, and even find a little fun just in case they’re helpful for you.

1. Try not to “stress-lax.” 

I recently came across this term and shared it with my daughter. We both laughed because it describes me perfectly. I am so bad at “relaxing” because the minute I lay down to “relax,” my thoughts wander to emails gone unanswered and an infinite to-do list. I’ve found that I need time outside my house or office to unplug from the mental chatter of running a business and a household. Enlisting friends and family to pull me away for a walk or meal together has helped ensure I make time to unwind. 

2. Hold space. 

I’ve tried to give myself the grace and space to get curious about emotions as they bubble up. The Rumi poem “The Guest House” is one of my favorites. I’ll paste it fully below, but the gist is that parsing your emotions one by one and examining them without judgment can bring ease to upheaval. This, of course, is a work in progress. 

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

– Rumi 

3. Find your release valve.

Friends who show up to your house with food, hugs, and Kleenex are a must, but it also helps to make time for yourself a non-negotiable. Walking, running, getting a massage, and being out in nature are calming to me, but make whatever works for you a recurring appointment in your calendar. A note on massage: I know it's a luxury, but it’s the one thing that truly gives my body and mind time to fully and completely relax. Afterwards, I feel so grounded and capable of handling whatever might come my way.

4. Look forward.

I have a wanderlust that’s gone unsatisfied as a small business owner and parent with sole custody of two kids. To insert joy into what could have been a summer of sadness, I planned a trip to New York City for my daughter and me. We had so much fun that we hope to make it a yearly tradition. I’ve started both a family travel bucket list and a solo travel bucket list for when my son goes to college. For now, I am going to enjoy the time I have with him while he is still home. (He just got his driver’s license and is happy to chauffeur me wherever I’d like to go to get practice in, so that’s been a fun change of pace.)

5. Get moving. 

Anxiety and overwhelm affect the mind as well as the body. When I find myself gritting my teeth, clenching my jaw, or feeling my shoulders creep up to my ears, I know it’s time to move. Notice I didn’t say workout — although that helps too. When even everyday tasks like answering emails or cooking dinner seem like too much, driving to the gym can be a bridge too far. Try this week’s movement snack: Slow movements on your mat that focus on the breath and invite reflection.  

I chose this topic this week partly to find community. None of my friends are sending their kids to college this year, so I’d love to find other moms to compare notes, swap funny texts from our kids, and share a virtual hug. We’ve got this!

Cheers to looking and feeling your best,
Susan Campbell
Founder & CEO, Phosis